SCREAM!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Life is like an alarm clock. It goes through 24 hours a day faithfully, sounds its alarm at the specific time every day. Its routine. And before you realise it, the alarm that was supposed to wake you up or remind you to take a certain action has become part of your life that you began to ignore it. You will sleep through the whole ringing or simply push the off button.

And there it is, the alarm clock. Still working, still running and still ringing. But it is never the same anymore. Some things should never be gotten used to. Some things should never be taken granted of. Because one day when you realise you truly need the ringing of the alarm clock, it may never tick, it may never run and it may never ring again.

Doesn't the alarm clock reminds us of life?

It does to me. Because my alarm clock will never ring again.

Funny But Not A Clown screamed @ 5:39 AM

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Monday, June 16, 2008

Father's Day is finally over. Yesterday was 3 months after my father passed away. And today has to be Father's day. This day no longer holds any meaning to me anymore. And I am glad it is over. It's really hard to be have the scene in the ICU and the moment my father passed away constantly replying on my mind. I was the only one who saw my dad's body being cleaned. He died in a pool of blood. His body was not pretty. I was the only one other than my uncle who saw my father's dead cold body in the mortuary. And those sights keep replaying in my mind. It is really hard. I really do not not know how do I go on from here.

Funny But Not A Clown screamed @ 2:01 AM

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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Life has to go on. And my life, my mother's life and my sister's life have to go on. My mother has started doing so work again which is good for her but I know she still misses my dad. Very much. Same as my sister. I guess she is sad but yet like me, could not express it in front of my mum.

My life has moved on. Not that I want it to. But it has moved on, whether I want it to or not. I have gone back to work and work is the same. Busier than ever with all the product launches, the usual rubbish you get from work and people. I use to see work as a means for my lifestyle. But now work has taken a new dimension. I need work because I need to support the family. I am not saying the family needs ALOT of money but there is this sense of responsibility and if I have to be honest, I do not like it one bit. But I have to take it up. Who else does my mother has to support the family, except me?

Somehow I feel different. I still make the same jokes, i still speak the same crap. Outside I am back to the Shaoxiong of the past, at least I think so but inside something changed. My life has moved on but my memories have not. My mind has not. My mind is still stuck on the 14th Mar 2008 when my father died. That was unfair. That was really unfair. And no matter how much my life has moved on, I can never forget how unfair life has been on my Dad.

I felt that there is nothing so important in this world anymore. I would never know whether my Dad was ever proud of me. All I wanted was to know whether have I done anything that my Dad can be proud of as his son. I will never have the chance. I was never given the chance. Make it up to my mum then, they say. But Mum is Mum, she is important but she can never replace my Dad and my Dad can never replace Mum. I want to hear my Dad tell me that he is proud of me. I DO NOT WANT anyone else to tell me that my dad was proud of me. YOU ARE NOT MY DAD. MY DAD IS BLOODY DEAD. UNFAIRLY DEAD. AND NO ONE EXCEPT MY DAD CAN BLOODY TELL ME THAT HE IS PROUD OF ME. AND SINCE HE IS DEAD, HE CANNOT TELL ME THAT SO STOP *Edit: I am sorry I cursed.* TELL ME TO MOVE ON.

And so life has moved on. But I cursed the day my Dad was taken away. It was unfair and damn the bloody hell that says I need to move on. I can never MOVE ON. I can never MOVE ON. How can I ever MOVE ON?

Funny But Not A Clown screamed @ 2:24 AM

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