SCREAM!

Monday, November 12, 2007

It has been almost 2 months since I blog about anything. TO be honest, things happened very fast and I have been overwhelmed really. I am not affected badly but to be honest, I have been very caught up with many things at work and primarily, my health.

It has also been 2 months since I know I had diabetes. I am managing it well. I have lost 12KGs since 2 months ago, without much exercise. I should start exercising soon. Although I am not starving myself but just changing the things I eat, I am losing so much weight, the doctor advised exercising is still the best way to lose more weight. So swimming pools around SINGAPORE, you better watch out especially since my swim shorts have arrived last friday. MUAHAHAHAHA!

While diabetes is not a problem for me yet, I am controlling my glucose level well and I am especially thankful to God and also proud of myself of the discipline I had so far to control the things I eat. I practically have cut off all sugared drinks and pastries and sweets. I still have my food like a normal person but I am getting better at controlling my portion which will ultimately help me to lose weight which is crucial as this will further reduce my risk of complications from the diabetes.

However, I am having reflux which in layman terms, acid is rushing up from the stomach upwards and irritating my airways. As a result I am coughing alot. It has been 2 months too! haha everything is 2 months, that is why I am saying I am so overwhelmed. My throat feels itchy and "phlegm-ish" very often. The diabetes medicine makes it worse and I vomitted alot. 2 days ago, i just vomitted out my lunch haha. This is really discouraging at times especially when I am singing and jamming, the coughing gets in the way of the vocals and it gets itchy at the slightest strain of the vocal chords sometimes.... I get frustrated and I asked God sometimes is He taking away the gift of singing away from me. I know I asked that question out of frustration and should I even questioned God that way but that is how I really felt. I still trust God will heal me completely without any doubts but to be honest, sometimes I still feel very down and discouraged.

Nowadays, I do not know why, but all these happenings are making me kind of withdrawn. Maybe I am tired. Its only with my good buddies Hanbin and Xiaojun, i feel more relaxed, perhaps because Hanbin knows exactly what it means to go thru an illness that may truely never go away (he had cancer, it can stay in remission but in reality, sometimes it lingers in the back of your mind whether it would come back). And the best way it to look forward and think positively. But Maybe I am just tired from dealing with my own overwhelmed emotions that I had nothing left to deal with others and its causing me to be withdrawn.

God, I still trust in you. In fact, who else can I trust in? I have many thanksgivings during this period but you also know I have as much struggles during this period too. I come to you really broken and frustrated. The only thing that keeps me going and still being able to laugh everyday is the hope I have in you. I know you love me. And I just want to tell you, I love you too.

Thank you Jesus.

Funny But Not A Clown screamed @ 1:39 AM

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