Is This The Beginning Of The End?

2010-06-08T01:11:00.002+08:00

I will go to sleep. At least I will feel good for the few hours of sleep.

2010-06-05T21:57:00.001+08:00

I love you but I could not tell you. If one day I ever lose you forever, I will hate myself. But still I cannot tell you.

2010-05-23T21:42:00.001+08:00

I feel like fuck. Seeing her every day is a torment.

2009-08-06T20:39:00.000+08:00

Going to Bandung tomorrow. Hope to just have a short getaway and also booked the tickets for New Zealand in Sep. After that, dun know where to go liao HAHA!

Here's to enjoying your life and spending away your money....after you pay off your obligations of course! Be responsible! HAHA

2009-06-28T16:07:00.002+08:00

What would it be like at your final breathe you breath in this life?

I think about this all the time. Have I been happy? Have I done most of the things I wanted to? Do I have any regrets?

Some people view thinking about death is negative. But hey, there are only two things that are certain in life, birth and death. So if you do not think about it now, when?

Death does not scare me but death to me brings an end not so importantly to this life, but an end to the things that matter to me, things that I would be reluctant to let go of.

And because of this reluctance, death seems to have an effect of spurring me on. I am 32 this year, honestly, how long more do I have? If I am fortunate and God willing, I would have maybe 32 more go. But I can go anytime, if life has taught us any lessons. And it is precisely this thought that sometimes frustrate me so much.

I am dying, that is true. Everybody is. Every day we live, we are one day closer to death. And there are so many things that need to be done. One thing that is very close to my heart is the sufferings of others. And I marvel at how some people claim to be suffering in Singapore because they live in a small flat etc when there are someone out there in the world who dies of cold because they have to sleep under the bridge in winter. And I hate myself too, because sometimes I am one of those hateful people who complains over the slightest thing and having the slightest gratitude for what I have.

And that is where my frustrations enter. Is that as much as I have the heart, I have done nothing in action. I am still wallowing in my pathetic socio-capitalist self where I work hard to earn my living, to sustain my spending so that I can be enjoying. What the fuck kind of person am I? I may be a bigger hypocrite than anyone out there because those people whom I hate at least are honest about their hypocrisy.

I do not have much time left. And so are you. And that is why I think about the question all the time.

What would it be like at your final breathe you breath in this life?

2009-05-09T16:11:00.002+08:00

Celebrating Mother's Day today. Not so much of a celebration. Just a dinner at Peach Garden and just good to spend some time with her and my sister and her husband. Ever since my Father passed away last year, it has been a delicate act between my various committments and taking time to pay attention to my Mum. I wished my Dad was still here but no point wishing for that. I just hope my Mum has a happy life always. Happy Mother's Day.

2009-03-17T20:24:00.001+08:00

HAVE YOU HEARD ME SAY THAT......

1. Taipei was boring? Hualien was excellent but TAIPEI WAS BORING!
2. I love smelling my own fart?
3. I am planning to go to New Zealand in September?
4. EVer since I put up "Honk if you are horny" sign on my car, I realised how many horny bastards and bitches out there driving? Me included.
5. I almost lose every time I do play mahjong?
6. I LOVE LIVERPOOL!
7. I HATE MAN U!
8. I WATCHED LIVERPOOL THRASHED MAN U 4-1!
9. I love music.
10. I am an introvert

2009-02-16T09:06:00.000+08:00

Taking a break...

Taipei, I come liao HOR~~~

2009-02-07T05:59:00.001+08:00

SO SICK!

So sick of being just A POTENTIAL and never really realising it.

IT SICKENS ME TO THE CORE.

2009-02-02T13:57:00.002+08:00

SCREW THE NORMS.....

Its hard to say how I feel towards the new year. Its February now and Chinese New Year is almost over (its over for those who do not bother about the 15 days). I just had my 31st birthday in December and now in 2009, I will be looking to be 32 in December.

Me! 32 years old. You know the problem I have with ageing and with most people in general is that they have preconceived norms about people of certain ages. If you are this age, you should behave your age. Thus when I reached 32, I have high and mighty friends (or should I say, ex-friends) who would say things that does not add value to my life nor does it ease the economic crisis, in other words BULLSHIT. They would say "Hey you are already going to be 32. Why do you still behave like you are a teenager?" "You got to talk lesser crap and learn to be more prudent in what you say."

You know there are so many norms or expected behaviour in this world that I cannot possibly finish listing them.

You are expected to be honest but yet learn to be tactful.
You are supposed to behave what they think as matured when you are of a certain age.
You are supposed to settle down when you reach a certain age.
Your bosses would praise you for being frank but promotes those politically correct bastards who suck up to them.
You are supposed to make alot of money because you have a degree.
You are supposed to be ambitious and climb as high as in the corporate ladder.

I am angry. I am an angsty bastard if you can call me that. I am sometimes so sick of facing people day in and day out who succumb to all these norms in life and pretend to be noble. I sometimes wish I could pressed their fucking faces onto the tarred road and disfigured their fucking faces and made them realise they still look better than how they looked before.

Some people challenged me and asked me, "So you think you are better than them?" No I do not. I just think, compared to most people, I am more accountable to this fucking thing called CONSCIENCE.

SCREW THE NORMS. All of us will go back to where we come from.

2008-12-29T10:41:00.002+08:00

Coming to the end of 2008.....

I find it hard to say that I had a great year. I mean many good things have happened but the fact that this was the year my Father passed away makes everything seem insignificant. But yet because of my Father's death, I have gained a new sense of responsibility as the man of the household, I have learned to cherish my Mum and Sis more, I gained an important lesson of how it is like to take setbacks in life and move on, I realised how fragile life is. Funny how that I need to lose my Father before I realise all these. I wish I had realised all these before but the fact I did not.

More than 9 months since he passed away. I am still haunted by the flashes of him covered in bloody mess in the ICU, when he was struggling to wake up, possibly wanting to see us one last time, when I had to identify his body in the morgue. You know, life has indeed move on, I went for holidays, I am back to my crappy self, I am now laughing like I used to but yet something seems to have been broken inside.

I used to work very hard because I thought finally I had a chance to make more money to bring my Father to trips. I took care of my own health, went to exercise (which I do not in the past) once I discovered I had diabetes because I do not want them to worry. But once my Father passed away, gradually I start to adopt a view like before that work is dispensible. I must admit I do not work at hard anymore. And I stopped going to gym. I think I just have not move on at all, have I?

I cannot be selfish, I need to. My Mother needs me. When I look at my Mum now, as she goes out to work everyday, comes back, sits there to watch TV, do the laundry, cook dinner for me and goes to sleep, I know she misses my Dad and I can only imagine the pain she feels inside. How could she come to terms to losing someone she had been married to for 31 years within a day when i myself could not. I know she is hurting and the only thing I can do is to be there, make sure she does not have to worry about finances and me.

2008 is a bad year but I cannot linger here. Time will move on no matter what. Time does not grieve. It is now up to me to catch up with time, My Father will always have a special place in my life but now I will have to try to live for the future.

Thanks Pa.

2008-12-26T00:04:00.002+08:00

So, this is the end of Christmas 2008. But the spirit of the season lives on. I had my fun, abit of drinks and made new friends. And of course more importantly, how could I forget the most important friend in my life, God Himself. Does not mean I do not talk about Him means He is not important. Let us not forget especially for those who believe in Christ, what He had to give up to give us the life that we are enjoying today.

Coming back to the music, Auditory Effect is progressing well. Despite just being together for a bit more than a year, I think we are really growing as a band. Kudos to Adam, Jon and Audrey. I learnt alot from them as band members and we are really starting to gel. Yes, we have our unhappiness, we voiced our displeasures over things but more importantly, we will continue to realise the importance of open and sincere communication.

This coming Sunday, we are going for some sort of audition for one of the mainstream media. Whether we get to feature or not on that medium, it is good enough for me to know that the music of this one year old band get noticed and we will continue to try for bigger goals like BAYBEATS 2009!

Dance while we rock, PEOPLE.

2008-12-06T02:24:00.002+08:00

You know there is a surreal feeling of growing up when alot of people around are getting married. Even people who are younger and are getting married than you ask you when you are gonna take the plunge. I think its kinda exciting to be entering into the next phase of life with another person for like the next half of your life or whatever you have left.

But that would mean giving up a big chunk of your current phase of life. I mean everyone will say, NO NO NO Who says after marriage, you cannot live your own life. Yes you cannot. Says who? Says me and the millions and billions who have gotten married since the world began. You simply just cannot get married and tell your spouse, Hey i gonna live the way I gonna live before I married you. I gonna go out with you when I feel like it, I gonna throw my clothes around in the house as I like it, I gonna spend my money as I like it, I gonna spend my time doing things that I LIKE not WE LIKE, surely you cannot do things like you were before you got married. After all, its now 2 persons living together and there must be compromises in habits, styles and weird FETISHES HAHA.

For one, I am not yet willing to give up the current phase of my life. I am not even near to what I wanna achieve before I finally get married and settle down. So how to get married. I know its nice to have someone to be with you all your life and maybe the government incentives are working, but hey is life all about being with someone? How about being someone you really want to be? Some things just cannot be done after you get married. I cannot be SELFISH if I were to get married. BUT I AM SELFISH, AND I WANT TO BE SELFISH NOW.

Hurhur so for those who decides to get a husband or wife, good luck. Hope you all make the right choice at the right time in your life cos if it turns out well, marriage will afterall be one of the best things that will happen in your life. But for me, NOT YET.

2008-12-04T15:08:00.000+08:00

31....how many more years do I have?

Tomorrow on 5th December 2008, I will be 31. I would have lived 31 years on earth tomorrow. How many more years do I have, I wonder sometimes. How many people's lives have I made a difference in? If I were to live another 31 years without making any sort of impact or influence in someone's life, would my life be wasted.

2008-11-30T17:47:00.001+08:00

8 months down the road but the pain is still there. I thought I had moved on but every single time people talked about their dads, about relatives being admitted to hospitals or about their families going on trips together, it just trigger a sore point in my heart. That sore will never go away. Festive seasons will not be the same. Chinese New Year is coming and will be the first where I will not be waiting for my Dad to come home from work on New Year's eve to have our reunion dinner. I will never be able to have a reunion dinner with him.

i am also worried about my Mum. She seems to be ok but if I am not, how can she be. I know she is trying very hard to move on too. She is now working as a cleaner in an army camp. Although she has more time to herself now compared to helping my Dad in the past, I am sure she wished that everything could be like in the past. But it will never be.

As for my sister, I think I have grown to cherish her more. She doesnt feel good either but I think her new life with her hubby would take her away from all these better. I hope with her own family now, that she will learn to take care of herself and be happy always.

I will forever remember 14th March 2008 - its the ONE single day that will change our whole lives.

2008-09-28T22:56:00.002+08:00

Back From HongKong And Melbourne......

Was away to HongKong on Mid Autumn Festival on the 14th for work. Came back to Singapore on the morning of the 18th and the night of 18th itself, flew to Melbourne for my holiday with Botak and Sissy. Tiring arrangement but not something I could help especially I booked my holiday months ago and the meeting in HongKong came much later.

In any case, it was a great trip and in a way, I brought my Dad along. I had his driving licence with me in my wallet since he passed away. I told myself that he is going with me on all trips. This is, in a way, to help me fulfilled the wish of bringing him for trips. I never had the chance to.

Talking about my Dad, I still am haunted by the fact that he passed away so suddenly and a sense of cold just came over me everytime I think of it. I never knew what dreams he had. We never really had a chance to talk about what he wants and he really likes. He never had a chance to tell us even his last words. To me, it is all so unfair.

The trip to Melbourne was not my first choice. It was a plan to visit the States this year but due to leave constraints from Sissy (He started a new job so did not want to take so much leave lah) so we decided on a new venue. Melbourne was always a destination I wanted to visit someday for the purpose of just driving on the Great Ocean Road but it was a trip I thought I could take anytime later in my life haha. But well it came sooner then expected. We booked the tickets and rented a car and off we went!

We spent 3 days in Melbourne itself.

DAY 1:

Arrived in Melbourne at 830AM Melbourne Time (Singapore Time 630AM). Hang out at the airport and relaxed for an hour, had a coffee and freshen up before collecting our car.

First thing we did after collecting our car was to drive to ESSENDON DIRECT FACTORY OUTLET haha cos we could not check in till 2PM. So we shop there and had our lunch there before proceeding to our motel in St Kilda.

The rest of the day was pretty much resting and shopping at Chadstone, one of the biggest shopping mall in Melbourne.

DAY 2:

Went to Queen Victoria Market early in the morning. It was huge, we bought fruits, bread etc. Had breakfast there. Spent 4 hours there which I think is already short. We 3 guys were not shopping freaks and still we spent 4 hours. Imagine those shopping crazy girls haha! In the afternoon, we went to Chinatown and basically just hang out and walk around and having our lunch at one of the many chinese restuarants there.

DAY 3:

Sunday and we spent the whole day in Philip Island. Was a long drive there and we reach there around 10am or so and the first stop was the Chocolate factory haha and then we went to an interesting trip to Churchill Island. Then back to the main Philip Island where we had lunch and the Koala COnservation Centre and then to the various surf beaches there. The last 2 stops was the Nobbies and the Penguin Parade of course.

Will update the rest of the trips and photos will come once they are consolidated haha!

2008-09-05T00:32:00.004+08:00

It gets a little tiring sometimes.....

When some people says that religion like Christianity is nothing more than emotional support. I agree. We are humans. And we need emotional support alot. I do not appear emotional to my friends and people around me. People always see me as forever happy. People always think I am never sad. People think I am always positive.

I like to think they are right but they are not. Many times, I withdraw into my own space and its only in my space that I can fully express my emotions. I am not as much an extrovert people think I am. I am an introvert who choose to be an extrovert.

And its only in a space where no one else but God and myself shared that I am able to be myself. I cursed. I cried. I break down. I am torn. I get lost. I questioned. I screamed. But God is just there. Always there. He is an emotional support. But He is more than that. When I got to know Him14 years ago, He gave me a reason to live on in this world. He helped me realised my worth in this world. It is Him who enabled me to go out to the world and be brave to face it and yet received me in my private space and allowed me to be myself.

I realised something through this tough period of time. "Love is not saying what you think others want to hear. Love is not saying but being. Just being there." What God says is important but to me, He being here for me, is more important than any words He has spoken.

Introducing some other bands:

BAND: SKILLET

A Christian hard rocking band. Good mainstream rock with great melodies and vocals and tunes you will nod your head to.

SONG: REBIRTH

SONG: SAVIOR

BAND: AUDIO ADRENALINE

A Christian alternative indie band. I liked them when I first heard them on Some Kind Of Zombie. Their tunes sound more fun than seriously rocking out. But its really weird that I like some of their songs. Listen to them.

SONG: SOME KIND OF ZOMBIE

SONG: NEVER GONNA BE AS BIG AS JESUS

2008-08-18T00:04:00.002+08:00

And so today I went to a church of my friend. Its called Living Sanctuary Brethen Church in Hougang. Passed by that place many many times but did not it was called that. Anyway, the service timing is great for people like us who likes to sleep in a bit. Its 11.15am and it ends around 1pm so good length of service.

The worship is great as usual. When I say as usual, I meant that worshipping God is always great, no matter what the environment is. It is pretty much the same format like Charis and even COOS but mellower than COOS but as I said, that does not matter as far as worshipping God is concerned.

But I thank God for bringing me there today as the message strikes a chord in my heart. It bascially talks about our relationship between our parents and children.

Malachi 4:6 (New International Version)

"He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."

That was one of the verses mentioned. But what strikes me is when the pastor mentioned that as Children, we should not find fault with our parents but to appreciate them and not take them for granted.

That brought tears to my eyes. The only reason why I did not break down and cry was the unfamiliar enevironment I was in but I know God knows how much it hurts. There are many things I really wanted to say and to do with my Dad but I could not anymore. It is true that I always look at my Dad and found fault in him and to be honest, I do not even remember whether I have said "I love you" to him while he was alive.

The wounds and hurts are still fresh because afterall it is only 5 months since he passed away. Images of him flashes past in my mind. How he felt before he died and I always wondered in his last final moments, did he utter for help from God. Would I see him in Heaven or because of what I did not do as a son, he may be suffering eternity in hell.

It is really painful to know that I have focus so much all my 31 years of life on myself, my own goals and dreams that I have neglected my parents. I called myself a devoted christian but yet I forgot the commandment of honouring my parents.

But yet today's message, while it reminded me of regrets in my life but it also brought on God's positive prompting to focus on my Mum. There is nothing to change the fact that my Dad passed away but I can always do something to change what I can do for my Mum.

And I am determined to do that.

On a lighter note, the English Premier League has started again. My weekends nights will be filled with meaning again haha. Just joking but football is a sport I really enjoyed watching. Been supporting Liverpool since I was 7. It runs in the family. So I hope this is a good season for us to finally win the 19th title that has eluded us for so so long.

LIVERPOOL FOR THE WIN!

2008-08-14T20:04:00.002+08:00

Today I wanna introduce/recommend some christian bands or bands with a christian message or a band made up of christians:

First Up!

BAND: DISCIPLE

INTRO: Christian Alternative Metal formed in 1992.
Their song "After The World" is not really the typical Alternative Metal song. But it is one of the best they have ever done. Do a search on the internet for some of their other songs. These are 2 of the best I dig.

AFTER THE WORLD

GAME ON

NEXT UP!

BAND: DEMON HUNTER

INTRO: Christian Metal Band.
Great band. Great songs. One of the few christians metal bands that infuse great melodies into metal.

NOT READY TO DIE

THROUGH THE BLACK

NEXT UP!

BAND: EXTOL

INTRO: CHRISTIAN NORWEGIAN DEATH METAL BAND.
Formed in 1993 . IT can be hard to appreciate such a genre but I like it. I also don't know why. Listen to them, maybe you can tell me why.

PEARL

ALRIGHT, thats all for today. Will do more when I have the time.

2008-08-09T12:33:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE

It is Singapore's 43rd BIRTHDAY!!! Without sounding like a young girl gushing over a boyband, I must say I really love Singapore. To say that I am proud of Singapore's achievements in the short 43 years we have been independent is an understatement. I am really amazed at how far Singapore has come in a short time. Yes, it is really expensive to live Singapore nowadays and I guess it will get increasingly but this is where HOME is and where I can build a safe HOME with my LOVED ONES. So cheers to you SINGAPORE and have many many more great years ahead!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2008-08-06T01:28:00.000+08:00

In Loving Memory.....

I listened to this song from Altered Bridge countless times but tonight could be first time I heard it since my Father passed away in March. The song just reminded me how much I missed my Dad.

The lyrics are:

"Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me?

I really love him. But as I told Hanbin tonight. I really must move on. The world will not wait for me to move on. I can only forever long fo my Dad and God, can I just ask you for one thing, I just want to see my Dad again in heaven. Can I?

2008-07-31T11:16:00.000+08:00

31 this year and not having a girlfriend might seem disastrous to some but to me, its really a choice. Not saying I have alot of choices. I am fat, ugly, poor, not much leg hairs, not much armpit hairs and not to mention, my stretch marks (they seem to stretch in a not so nice patterns, i was hoping for a more symmetrical stretch marks.). Anyway dun think I am low on confidence lah, I am just joking lah because I know I have a very busty chest, sexy ass crack and a very inviting come-see-the-world-thru-me belly button.

Back to the topic of girlfriends or should I say at my age, marriage prospects haha! Alot of people asked me WHEN WHEN WHEN! I began to suspect that these people have some nieces/classmates/colleagues/neighbours/maids that they want to introduce to me. They seem so enthusiastic about getting a girlfriend for me. Especially after my father's death, they have been telling me to find a girlfriend soon so as to make my mother happy, the same thing when they tell my sister to have a child soon haha.

But when I said it was a choice, it really was a choice. My ambition if always to get an overseas posting before I am 35, work for a few years overseas, experience life away from Singapore (yeah i go for holidays but I am talking about years here, i cant go for holidays for YEARS!). Then come back to Singapore before 40, find a girlfriend and get married haha!

It is just hard to be posted overseas when you are attached or married. You cannot just consider your own ambitions if you are and thus my choice to stay single till now. My friends say that 40 is too late lah and in a way, I do agree and they analyse through their BALLS that maybe I have not FOUND the ONE that I will FALL MADLY IN LOVE with and ELOPE with her to LAS VEGAS and get married in a drive thru chapel. Eh no need lah, ROM in Singapore quite fast also and cheaper.

But it is true, I have never felt very strongly for a girl ever since what happened in Poly and that was like 12 years ago? I mean there are those this-girl-is-nice, i-kind-of-like-her feelings but never strong enough for me to make any concrete moves.

Let me make it clear, I LIKE GIRLS ONLY haha but just that maybe I have not found a reason to settle down. I do think I will settle down one day because no one can stay alone all their lives. Friends will get married, Family will pass away and they will have their own families. i will need to find my own family in life sooner or later too. So for those who have expressed concern and are worried for some reasons or another or maybe you will earn a referral fee for introducing a girl to me, thanks for taking an interest in my life, I actually appreciate it cos that means you care about me but for now, really I rather concentrate on my career and my freedom and my dreams.

2008-07-28T23:33:00.001+08:00

As some you all might know. My previous band, GAS, is pretty much dead although I would love to get back with these guys one day and do some music again. We have been together since 1999, Its a long time to make music together and we had more fun really. My new band is called Auditory Effect and we are a very young band, have been only jamming around 6 months? They are younger than me, in their 20s while I am into my 30s but they are really passionate about music and despite the age difference, I guess we have alot to learn from each other.

Wondering why I forgot to post out first gig up done in May. So far we only had 2 originals and unlike GAS where we started out with all originals, this band is slowly finding our way to writing new stuff. These are videos of our first gig in Home Club. The quality is not great definitely but Hope you enjoy them as much as us and the peeps who were down there at the gig. If you think we suck, tell us, its ok haha! But if you think we can do with some encouragement, tell us too!

FIRST SONG - MONSTER (By Automatic)

SECOND SONG - Take Me Out (By Franz Ferdinand)

THIRD SONG - QUIET LOVE - To My Dad (By Auditory Effect)

FOURTH SONG - MUNICH (By)

LAST SONG - ALL I ASK (By Auditory Effect)

2008-07-27T20:39:00.000+08:00

I cannot help but still get reminded of my father. It is coming to almost 5 months but I thought I am ready to be strong. But whenever I hear of someone passing away, even when I do not know those people, I would weep. I just cannot get the scene of seeing my father struggling in the ICU out of my mind.

It has been difficult for me at work too. Things have not gone as smoothly as I wanted. This was supposed to be a big year for me and doing well could mean an overseas posting which I always wanted. But with my father's passing away, it is one thing to convince my mum of my desire to work overseas and one thing to really concentrate in work. I flared up at peers, at my sales team, at my boss. My peers and boss and those reporting to me always mentioned that I am easy to work with due to my easy going nature and I have my way of getting things done without being pushy... but I get irritated very easily nowadays. So much so, my boss had a talk with me. He is a really good boss and he understands what is happening with my life. But how long can he tolerate this? I have said before that nothing can get me down in my life, except when my loved ones suffer. And this is what is happening to me now. I hope and I need to get over this phase in my life. I cannot afford to let this pull me down in life anymore. I love my father but I need to move on. I know he understands and I know he will help me move along in life because I guess when he was alive, whatever he has done and he has devoted his life to do is so that me and my sister is able to move on in life.

And of cos my frens have helped alot. I have told Ping that I hardly get out of the house nowadays. But I am glad for frens like:
1) Serene and Damien (I know you 2 are GAS's biggest fans haha but GAS is dead so please support my new band haha), Dennis, Jem, Nathan, Alicia, Josh, Joe etc and all the guys from Charis. We have been frens for almost 10 years now. Known you all since when we were all students and very innocent then and now we all grown up and have our own lives but I appreciate that you all bothered to sustain the frenship even though i left Charis. It tells me that you all appreciate my frenship very much. And though I am not the kind of mushy person, I really love you all for that.

2) The Eastsiders (Mil, Dex, Pam, Rachel, Aaron, Symon etc. I really appreciate that you guys have been frenly to me and really brightens up my days when i meet up with you guys. I appreciate Mil, Pam and Rach for being there in the hospital on the day my father passed away. I could not tell you all then but your presence helps alot. It helps to know there are people around yuo supporting you.

3) The nightlifers, although we do not see each other very often now but whenever I am out with you guys, at least I relaxed and not dwell on my dad so much. People like mashi, lesliana, Mel, Mavis, Yvonne, Ping, BCM, Joey, Amos, Lil Jon, and many many lah. Its great hanging out with you guys really. So dun forget me ah, remember to ask me out but as you all know, i really cant drink like last time already but i would still like your company. I may seemed bored sometimes when out in the clubs but no I am really just acting cool and focusing on checking out babes. I am not a dancing person lah~~~

4)My new bandmates, Adam, Jon and Audrey of Auditory Effect. I am older than you guys but you peeps are really cool and I appreciate your passion in making the band work and it has given me something to work on in my life. Succeeding in a band has always been my dream and I believe music is what I am born to do. My previous band, GAS, had some relative achievements but it is history now and I hope with AD, we will achieve greater stuff.

5) Last by not least, my 2 buddies, SISSY and BOTAK (previous blog entries would have revealed their names). But hey i guess its not easy being frens for almost 18 years since we were in Sec 1 haha. You can say that we have been thru life and death events in our lives. Although our way of expressing frenship is through insulting one another, that is something that no one else can take away from us and I appreciate Botak when he says that whenever we meet nowadays, he just try to distract me and I guess distraction is what I need to stop dwelling on my dad. And I looked forward to our annual gay party in Melbourne in September haha!

I can only looked forward to better things in my life. For now, I only want to concentrate on my mum, my music and my work. And I know my dad wants the best for me no matter where he is now. I am very afraid to forget him as time passed by because he is the greatest dad and I wished I told him that when he was alive. But he knows, I know he knows. I love him.

2008-07-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

Just received news today that one of good friend's mum passed away after her long fight with cancer. Her mum has been battling the illness for the couple of years but in recent months, things became really bad and after a long battle, she went to rest in peace today. I know how sad my friend must be. I just went through that 4 months ago. All I can wish for her is to buck up and take care of her father.

But who am I to advise her. I myself still missed my Dad very much. It is hard to buck up when a death hits you hard.

2008-06-27T05:39:00.000+08:00

Life is like an alarm clock. It goes through 24 hours a day faithfully, sounds its alarm at the specific time every day. Its routine. And before you realise it, the alarm that was supposed to wake you up or remind you to take a certain action has become part of your life that you began to ignore it. You will sleep through the whole ringing or simply push the off button.

And there it is, the alarm clock. Still working, still running and still ringing. But it is never the same anymore. Some things should never be gotten used to. Some things should never be taken granted of. Because one day when you realise you truly need the ringing of the alarm clock, it may never tick, it may never run and it may never ring again.

Doesn't the alarm clock reminds us of life?

It does to me. Because my alarm clock will never ring again.

2008-06-16T02:01:00.000+08:00

Father's Day is finally over. Yesterday was 3 months after my father passed away. And today has to be Father's day. This day no longer holds any meaning to me anymore. And I am glad it is over. It's really hard to be have the scene in the ICU and the moment my father passed away constantly replying on my mind. I was the only one who saw my dad's body being cleaned. He died in a pool of blood. His body was not pretty. I was the only one other than my uncle who saw my father's dead cold body in the mortuary. And those sights keep replaying in my mind. It is really hard. I really do not not know how do I go on from here.

2008-06-04T02:24:00.001+08:00

Life has to go on. And my life, my mother's life and my sister's life have to go on. My mother has started doing so work again which is good for her but I know she still misses my dad. Very much. Same as my sister. I guess she is sad but yet like me, could not express it in front of my mum.

My life has moved on. Not that I want it to. But it has moved on, whether I want it to or not. I have gone back to work and work is the same. Busier than ever with all the product launches, the usual rubbish you get from work and people. I use to see work as a means for my lifestyle. But now work has taken a new dimension. I need work because I need to support the family. I am not saying the family needs ALOT of money but there is this sense of responsibility and if I have to be honest, I do not like it one bit. But I have to take it up. Who else does my mother has to support the family, except me?

Somehow I feel different. I still make the same jokes, i still speak the same crap. Outside I am back to the Shaoxiong of the past, at least I think so but inside something changed. My life has moved on but my memories have not. My mind has not. My mind is still stuck on the 14th Mar 2008 when my father died. That was unfair. That was really unfair. And no matter how much my life has moved on, I can never forget how unfair life has been on my Dad.

I felt that there is nothing so important in this world anymore. I would never know whether my Dad was ever proud of me. All I wanted was to know whether have I done anything that my Dad can be proud of as his son. I will never have the chance. I was never given the chance. Make it up to my mum then, they say. But Mum is Mum, she is important but she can never replace my Dad and my Dad can never replace Mum. I want to hear my Dad tell me that he is proud of me. I DO NOT WANT anyone else to tell me that my dad was proud of me. YOU ARE NOT MY DAD. MY DAD IS BLOODY DEAD. UNFAIRLY DEAD. AND NO ONE EXCEPT MY DAD CAN BLOODY TELL ME THAT HE IS PROUD OF ME. AND SINCE HE IS DEAD, HE CANNOT TELL ME THAT SO STOP *Edit: I am sorry I cursed.* TELL ME TO MOVE ON.

And so life has moved on. But I cursed the day my Dad was taken away. It was unfair and damn the bloody hell that says I need to move on. I can never MOVE ON. I can never MOVE ON. How can I ever MOVE ON?

2008-04-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

14th April 2008 - ONE MONTH AFTER

My dad has passed away for a month. But the pain just does not go away. I have been very busy and I have found it easier to go out with friends now and have a bit of laughs but whenever I am alone, it is back to thinking of all the regrets I have and the pain of losing my father.

Today, the police asked me to the police station again at around 6 plus to give a complete statement of what happened to my father and they will submit it to the Coroner Inquiry and they will decide then whether there was any negligence on the part of the doctors and hospitals. The IO was very nice and despite my unhappiness over the whole issue and my distrust in the system, he explained to me that there are cases where hospitals are taken to tasks before. It was of course of no comfort to me, to me, it does not matter any more. That 2 hours in the station just made me go through again the pain of what happened on the day of his death and make me remember my father again. And I could not help but cried in the car.

The IO also asked whether we have any intention of suing the hospital on our own but to be honest,I would not want my mother to go through all these. So what if we win, it will just be an apology and maybe some money. What will that give us? Justice? Fariness? When we father died, there already was no justice and fairness. How do you get back justice and fairness? How do you compensate for that?

Was in COOS for the last 2 weeks and the sermons and service really ministered to me and God seems to be telling me to lay down my grief to Him. I really love to God to just lay it at your feet and say that I trust in You. But now, really, I cant. I really cant.

I cant seem to let go. Maybe its still early times. But I do not want to let go. I am afraid that with time, I will forget how my father looked like. I will forget about my father. I do not want to forget him. How can a person remember but yet not grief? I do not know. I really do not know.

2008-03-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

14th March 2008 - 6:18PM - The Day I Lost My Dad

It is the day that I will forever regret. A day I will never forget. I never would want to forget my Dad. How he lived. How he died. He is gone. Forever. I will never will ever to bring him to eat Dim Sum FOR THE FIRST TIME. FOREVER. I will never be able to bring him to CHINA FOR THE FIRST TIME. FOREVER.

I am angry. Why can't my Dad still be here with me. I am 30 years old now and I am supposed to be a matured man who can handle my emotions. But I cant. I want my Dad back but I know it would not happen.

How am I supposed to forgive the doctors? How am I supposed to forgive myself when I was the greatest supporter of my Dad going for the Operation. And that operation KILLED him. If God can forgive me, great. I dun think I can. It haunts me. I am angry cos maybe my Dad is blaming me. Maybe my mum is blaming me. Maybe my sister blames me. Maybe the whole world blames me.

But I am hurting, really hurting. Hurting that I wun ever be able to tell my Dad how much I missed him and I loved him. I missed his coughing at night. I missed his rumblings from his old motorbike as he comes home each night. How his he drags his old slippers along the corridor. Every night that he faithfully waters the multitude of plants outside our flat.

How he works all his life just to provide for us. WHY CANT THE BLOODY FOOL IN ME SEE HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. I am an idiot.

DAD, I love you. And I wish you are here to listen to me say that. But you are gone. Forever gone.

2008-03-02T15:18:00.000+08:00

And so, its been a long time. Chinese New Year has come and passed. I am typing this in Hong Kong Aiport waiting to board my SQ plane. SQ GIRLS!!! Hope I get to see nice ones today!!! HAHA!

I have been away from Singapore for the last 11 days. Spending 4 days in Bangkok with a Hua Hin one day trip and flying straight to Hong Kong for work and a couple of days of walking around and just enjoying the vibrant city of Hong Kong.

Hong Kong was not quite like what I thought it was. True, it was very much like Singapore, a very urbanised city. But it is really damn crowded and everything about this city seems just surreal. The nightlife is so vibrant. The streets are forever busy. The shopping centres and markets are endless and BIG! But the best of all came when I visited Lantau Island. I have not taken a worse bus ride in my entire life but it was all worth it. Well it was just nice to absorb the nature and the life in a serene fishing village like the TAI O village. Nothing like this in Singapore.

The queue is forming up now at the boarding gate but I just want to leave one thought as I visited Lantau Island. As I looked at the lives of the people in places like Lantau Island where they may not be in the primitve ages, they definitely are not advanced like Singapore. But yet they are happy, seems to be happy anyway. And as a Christian, I sometimes wonder how would Christ make their lives better. They seem contented as they are. Honestly, Christ makes sense to me because I am quite tired of the material world and how we judged people. But these people have nothing material to crave for. All they want is to live happily ever after in their village.
Dun get me wrong, I believe in Christ. I will always do but I guess in my human mind, I could never comprehend how on earth do well convince these people that Christ will make their lives more fruitful.

I guess, well, then thats they job of the Holy Ghost.

Gotta board the plane. Bye! See ya all in Singapore.

2008-01-14T22:34:00.000+08:00

Just a quick update. Received my 2nd body screen results.

My Glucose level is at an optimal level. My bad cholestrol level is 93 which is optimal, compared to 5 months ago where it was very unhealthy. So it seems I am doing everything well. However, there are of cos things to improve on:

1) My Good Cholestrol level is not good which means I need to exercise more and with me starting my recent gym regime, pray for me to be consistent. I am going 4 times a week and spending 40 minutes on the bike, Hopefully, by Feb, I can increase it to 60 minutes on the bike

2) COntinue to maintain my diet plans to ensure I eat well to complement my gym regime so that I will lose weight...my weight loss is definitely now much slower than compared to the last 5 months. I think I have lost just around 1KG in the last one month....

3) I aim to lose 2.5 KG every month for the year 2008. It may be do-able but pray that I will not be impatient. Losing weight is important but pray that I will not be disheartened if I do not lose that much. THe most important thing is I am losing, not gaining.

And 2008 has come and well guess what, Jan will be over in 2 weeks time. Time really fly huh....I guess this year brings a whole lot of perspective into my life. 30 years old now. With a new health profile but with a new found discipline I never felt the need to have before.

I guess 2008 is gonna pass by in a flash and that is life isnt it? And as my health is not in the most optimum and with age crossing the 30 barrier, I began to think what have I done with my life. I am not gonna say I have thought long and hard about it and I gonna do something great for God, for the world and save the entire population haha....but I really do want to do something worthwhile with my life. I really hope I knew what it is now but I really do not. But I believe I will.

2007-12-18T00:28:00.000+08:00

It has been 4 months since I found out I have Diabetes and praises to God, I have been doing well in controlling my diabetes. So much so, the doctor has given me the green light to stop taking the medicine as I have been controlling my diet well. Not only my diabetes are well contained, as a result, I lost 17KG in the last 4 months and also as a result, my Hypertension has been much better and the doctor has prescribed a lower dosage of high blood pressure medicine and she commented, if i continue my weight loss, I just may be able to be taken off the high blood medicine too in time to come!

I thank God and pray with me to continue:

1) Exercise discipline in my diet. So far, I have found alot of joy eating in more healthier portions and the joy of knowing that discipline brings forth a lot of rewards in my life.

2) Continue to lose weight in a healthy way. The last thing the doctor wants is for me to starve myself. She insists that I still must eat as I crave just that my portion needs to be moderated and to be honest I have been doing it well. So pray that I will continue to do that and that I will not be over ambitious in the weight loss segment (just in case you wonder, weight loss is very important for obese diabetes patients as it greatly reduces the risk of complications)

3) That everyday I would be rejuvenated by the joy of the Lord. Some days I do feel lethargic so pray that I will draw strength from the Lord.

The only thing that I found hard to do is exercise. I tried to swim and I managed a couple of laps before I gave up. I managed to go to the gym and did the cycling for 20 minutes which is an achievement for someone who did not step into a gym before, but I need momentum. THe doctor says that this is very crucial as healthy weight loss includes exercising.

One other thing is that my coughing due to reflux is getting better. This could be due to the weight loss and it is known to help. But of cos, I credit God because this is something that I have praying for and I claim FULL RECOVERY in the name of Jesus.

As for my walk with the Lord, there have been times of frustration really. What I want to do can be so different from what I really do. Sometimes I want to spend time with God but sometimes in the end I do other things except spend time with Him. I guess through all these times of sicknesses, it frustrates me not because of the illnesses but that though I understand the power of God, I seem to still be able to be consistently drawing onto the strength of God.

Maybe I need patience. Maybe I need to focus on Him and not just what I perceived as "being in the Lord"

Thanks to God and Glory to Him.

Christmas is coming and Jesus died so might lived. Everyday we lived, is one more than we deserve. What will it take for you to notice Him?

Sometimes, it might be too late. SO my frens, dun take too long.

2007-12-05T00:53:00.000+08:00

The number 30!

I am 30 TODAY! 5th December is a good day cos its my Birthday. Everyone shall be happy ok. Well its weird going into 30 and behaving like I am 10. But I dun feel abit 30 except yes, people do age and the body and your health do deteriorate. But my life is gonna get better as I embark on the next 30 years of my life.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me thus far.

YAM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SENG!

2007-11-30T00:19:00.000+08:00

I love Slipknot and to a certain degree, Children of Bodom. But never did I expect them to sell out THIS WAY!!!

SLIPKNOT

Children Of Bodom

HAHA! Both songs are I think are done by Children of Bodom or appear to be and then some people just go and put them into different videos hahaha!

2007-11-23T01:28:00.001+08:00

I remember 3 songs that I heard from Ray Boltz very early into my christian faith. Those are some of the most meaningful songs I ever heard. Somehow, I forgotten about those songs and I forgotten what the songs meant to encourage us over the years. As I grow older into my christian faith, I forgot the basics. I forgot the most important thing. That is to watch the lamb, cast our eyes on Him and leave everything to God. Just now, suddenly, God just reminded me of one of the songs, WATCH THE LAMB and suddenly the other songs just flooded into my mind. I went to youtube to search for the videos and the song. And it was truly a time of God ministering to me again about the basics. I wept because there are many parts of the songs that talked about simple things like YOU DUN HAVE TO CARRY THOSE BURDENS ANYMORE, but yet I find it so hard to do at times. I am going to post the lyrics and the youtube and I hope and I will let these songs minister to you. I hope you will remember your FIRST LOVE.

WATCH THE LAMB - This song is sung from the perspective from the man who was asked by the Roman Soldier to carry the cross for Jesus when they were on the way to crucify Jesus.

Walking on the road to JerusalemThe time had come to sacrifice againMy two small sons,They walked beside me on the roadThe reason that they cameWas to watch the lamb

CHORUS: Daddy, daddy what will we see there?There's so much we don't understandSo I told them of MosesAnd Father AbrahamAnd then I said,Dear children, Watch the lamb
For there will be so manyIn Jerusalem todayWe must be sure the lambDoesn't run awayAnd I told them of MosesAnd Father AbrahamAnd then I said,Dear children, Watch the lamb

When we reached the cityI knew something must be wrongThere were no joyful worshippersNo joyful worship songsI stood there with my childrenIn the midst of angry menAnd then I heard the crowd cry out,Crucify Him

We tried to leave the cityBut we could not get awayForced to play in this drama,A part I did not wish to playWhy upon this dayWere men condemned to die?Why were we standing hereWhere soon they would pass by?

I look and said, Even now they comeThe first one cried for mercy,The people gave him noneThe second one was violent,He was arrogant and loudI still can hear his angry voiceScreaming at the crowd

Then someone said, There's Jesus!And I scarce believed my eyesA man so badly beaten,He barely looked aliveBlood poured from His body,From the thorns upon His browRunning down the crossAnd falling to the ground

I watched Him as He struggledI watched Him as He fellThe cross came down upon His back,The crowd began to yellIn that moment I felt such agonyIn that moment I felt such lossUntil a Roman soldier grabbed my armAnd screamed, You, carry His cross!

At first I tried to resist himThen his hand reached for his swordAnd so I knelt and tookThe cross from the LordI placed it on my shoulderAnd started down the streetThe blood that He'd been sheddingWas running down my cheek

They led us to GolgothaThey drove nailsDeep in His feet and handsAn yet upon the crossI heard Him pray, Father forgive themOh, never have I seen such loveIn any other eyesInto they hands I commit My spirit,He prayed and then He died

I stood for what seemed like yearsI'd lost all sense of timeUntil I felt two tiny handsHolding tight to mineMy children stood there weepingI heard the oldest sayFather, please forgive usThe lamb ran away

Daddy, daddy what have we seen here?There's so muchThat we don't understandSo I took them in my armsAnd we turned and faced the crossAnd then I said,Dear children, watch the Lamb

FEEL THE NAILS- Does Jesus still feel the nails everytime we fall? We are grateful to Jesus for the pain He took on the cross. But is that pain momentary? Everytime we turn against Him, does He still feel the nails bring driven through Him? Does He still hear "CRUCIFY HIM?"

They tell me Jesus died
For my transgressions
And that He paid that price
A long long time ago
When He gave His life for me
On a hill called Calvary
But there's something elseI want to know

CHORUS:
Does He still feel the nails
Every time I fail?
Does He hear the crowd cry,Crucify, again?
Am I causing Him pain?
Then I know I've got to change I just can't bear the thoughtOf hurting Him

It seems that I'm so good
At breaking promises
And I treat His precious grace
So carelessly
But each time He forgives
What if He relivesThe agony He felt on that tree?

Holy, holy, holy is the LordHoly, holy, holy is the Lord

THE ALTAR- That's what this Altar is for. You dun have to carry those burdens anymore. There's a light in the darkness. There's a love thats true. Jesus is waiting. He is waiting here for you.

The service is nearing an end
The choir is singing "Just As I Am"
And now as the old song is played
People at the altar
Are kneeling down to pray
Some are finding mercy
Forgiveness for their sin
Some are fighting battles
And they're struggling to win

The time has come
To give them to the Lord
That's what the altar is for

CHORUS:
That's what this altar is for
You don't have to carryThose burdens anymore
There's a light in the darkness
There's a love that's true
And Jesus is waiting
He is waiting here for you
Go quickly now
Before they close the door
That's what the altar is for

A father is praying with his son
A mother kneels beside them
Thanking God they've come
An old manIs standing there in tears
Giving up a part of him
That he's held back for years
Hearts are being broken
Lives are being changed
And those who call upon Him
Will never be the same

2007-11-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

It has been almost 2 months since I blog about anything. TO be honest, things happened very fast and I have been overwhelmed really. I am not affected badly but to be honest, I have been very caught up with many things at work and primarily, my health.

It has also been 2 months since I know I had diabetes. I am managing it well. I have lost 12KGs since 2 months ago, without much exercise. I should start exercising soon. Although I am not starving myself but just changing the things I eat, I am losing so much weight, the doctor advised exercising is still the best way to lose more weight. So swimming pools around SINGAPORE, you better watch out especially since my swim shorts have arrived last friday. MUAHAHAHAHA!

While diabetes is not a problem for me yet, I am controlling my glucose level well and I am especially thankful to God and also proud of myself of the discipline I had so far to control the things I eat. I practically have cut off all sugared drinks and pastries and sweets. I still have my food like a normal person but I am getting better at controlling my portion which will ultimately help me to lose weight which is crucial as this will further reduce my risk of complications from the diabetes.

However, I am having reflux which in layman terms, acid is rushing up from the stomach upwards and irritating my airways. As a result I am coughing alot. It has been 2 months too! haha everything is 2 months, that is why I am saying I am so overwhelmed. My throat feels itchy and "phlegm-ish" very often. The diabetes medicine makes it worse and I vomitted alot. 2 days ago, i just vomitted out my lunch haha. This is really discouraging at times especially when I am singing and jamming, the coughing gets in the way of the vocals and it gets itchy at the slightest strain of the vocal chords sometimes.... I get frustrated and I asked God sometimes is He taking away the gift of singing away from me. I know I asked that question out of frustration and should I even questioned God that way but that is how I really felt. I still trust God will heal me completely without any doubts but to be honest, sometimes I still feel very down and discouraged.

Nowadays, I do not know why, but all these happenings are making me kind of withdrawn. Maybe I am tired. Its only with my good buddies Hanbin and Xiaojun, i feel more relaxed, perhaps because Hanbin knows exactly what it means to go thru an illness that may truely never go away (he had cancer, it can stay in remission but in reality, sometimes it lingers in the back of your mind whether it would come back). And the best way it to look forward and think positively. But Maybe I am just tired from dealing with my own overwhelmed emotions that I had nothing left to deal with others and its causing me to be withdrawn.

God, I still trust in you. In fact, who else can I trust in? I have many thanksgivings during this period but you also know I have as much struggles during this period too. I come to you really broken and frustrated. The only thing that keeps me going and still being able to laugh everyday is the hope I have in you. I know you love me. And I just want to tell you, I love you too.

Thank you Jesus.

2007-09-14T18:46:00.001+08:00

DIABETES. What is like to contract Diabetes at the age of 30?

We have heard of Diabetes so often that sometimes we take it lightly. My dad has Diabetes, in fact, it is hereditary in my family in the male descendants. My mum had a scare but since has medically proven she did not have diabetes.

Today, I received my medical report and everything else was ok except for my Obesity and my Glucose Level. My Glucose level is at a ridiculously high and though the report says that a single test is not definite in the diagnosis of diabetes - at least 2 tests results to confirm - the chance is high because of my obesity, my family history and the very high glucose level.

I have been worried for weeks but when I received the results today, I guess I did not react negatively.

Diabetes is not a disease. It just means a shift of responsibility. I have now to be more responsible for how I live my life. What I eat and what I drink, I have to be more prudent now.

I really thank God for the peace that is in me. Although nothing's confirmed yet and I am not self prophesizing that I will have diabetes. I am not even doubting God's ability to heal. He is a great God and it is precisely this knowledge that I have a great God that I am not afraid, even if I do have diabetes.

So in weeks to come when I go for my second test and still discover I have diabetes, and people ask me, what is like to contract diabetes at the young age of 30, I would say, well God loves me and He heals and diabetes is not the end of life but instead a beginning of another phase of life. Diabetes would not render what God promise in John 10:10 useless. I will always have a full and abundant life as long as I abide in Him

Amen.

To all my frens, continue to pray for me to continue to trust in God. I am also going for a chest xray tomorrow due to a persistent cough.

God bless you all, beloved ones.

2007-09-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

I remembered a song I performed many years ago for my former church's year end celebration of thanksgiving to God.

That song was titled I Don't Know Why Jesus Loved Me By Andrae Crouch. It is a pretty old song and not a song that Shaoxiong adores.

But somehow when I was asked to perform the song and when I started to really dwell into the simple lyrics, I marvel at the profound meaning of the song of simple lyrics. I was touched to tears. And this song has always accompanied me and I still remember how to sing it till today, not because it is a damn fantastic song with great melodies but simply a song that reminds me everyday how much God loves me.

I would like to share the lyrics with everyone. May you realise the greatness of God's love.

I don't know why Jesus loved me
I don't know why He cared
I don't know why He sacrificed His life
Oh, but I'm glad, so glad He did

He left His mighty throne in glory
To bring to us redemption's story
Then He died but He rose again
Oh, but I'm glad, so glad He did.

Where would I be if Jesus didn't love me?
Where would I be if Jesus didn't care?
Where would I be if He hadn't sacrificed His life
Oh, but I'm glad, so glad He did

Here is the video:

2007-08-31T17:52:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow Will Be Better Lah....

or at least according to this song lah.....

2007-08-27T19:18:00.001+08:00

Angry and Frustrated.

With myself.

I have always proclaimed I love my father and mother and they are very important to me. But I realised it's all empty words. I keep thinking my Dad' s birthday is this tuesday when its actually Sunday, yesterday. How can I forget about these things when I keep saying I love them. Some may say its not a big deal but these small things reflect how much I really care.

My relationship with my dad has not always been a good one. We do not hate each other but neither am I sure whether do we love each other. We hardly talked. We hardly showed any concern for each other. When I was younger, I even think that he is not fit to be called father cos to me, what has he done? Was giving money all to being a father?

This changed when he fell sick and was diagnosed with Primary Sclerosis Cholangitis, an incurable disease affecting the bile ducts of the liver in 2005 March. I can still remember when it happens, that reality set in, and that my dad is growing old; he is 62 this year and he may just leave me before I realised it is too late. Our relationship improved, not tremendously, but definitely we showed more concern for one another. For one, I make sure I am always there when he goes for a check up and making sure he takes his medicine.

I thought I have done well so far, but forgetting his birthday again brings me back to reality of how much do I really love my father. When I look at my father, I see how much he aged from a strong person to a thin, frail and hunchbacked old man, I cry silently sometimes. But still, whats the point of saying all these when my actions do not reflect it. I am really ashamed and angry with myself.

When will I ever learn to treasure my loved ones?

2007-08-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

The first time I was reminded of the song, People Need The Lord, was in the last prayer walk for July's MSG. I was doing the prayer walk in the vicinity of the small streets like Hong Kong Street and as I look into the shops where people are still working, I always wonder have they known Jesus? Would their lives be any different if they did? Would they just go on and on everyday in that shop without knowing Jesus?

Just now, Pam showed me the news of the accident this morning on the PIE towards Changi where a car and lorry carrying people got into the accident and overturned. One person died. I remember praying when I heard the news that there would be no death but well it happened. The person who died is a foreign talent and upon hearing the news, again the song People Need The Lord, sprang into my mind.

Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eye.
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where?
On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear.
Laughter hides their silent cries,
Only Jesus hears.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize -- people need the Lord?
We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong seems right.
What would be too great a cost
For sharing Life with one who's lost?
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear.
They must hear the Words of Life
Only we can share.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord
At the end of broken dreams, He's the open door.
People need the Lord, people need the Lord.
When will we realize that we must give our lives,
For people need the Lord.
People need the Lord.

I guess the song speaks for itself. I remember coming across many foreign talents who came to Singapore in hope of a better life. But they end up dead in Singapore. Their only hope was in earning more money to give their families a better life but how I wish they would come to know Jesus.

People Need The Lord. What am I doing about it?

2007-08-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

HEY WAIT! I GOT A NEW COMPLAINT!

I am very pissed off with something lah. You know everyday when I reach home around 7 plus or 8 plus, the carpark at my house there is very full lor! I bought season parking but still these cars seem to always reach home earlier than me, ALWAYS ONE! They always take up my favourite spots and as a result, I have to park further away and walk further to my house. I am very tired already lah then still got to park so far. HOW CAN THESE BLOODY CARS REACH HOME SO EARLY!!! THEY DUN NEED TO WORK MEH?!!!!

After I analysed the situation, I can only think of one reason why they can come home so early. They should be "HIGH LEVEL" employees in their companies, that is why they can come home early one and leave others to do the jobs.

BUT THEN! If they are that high level, they probably would not be staying in a flat in little simei, they would be staying in some house in *Holland/Orchard/RIver Valley (*delete where applicable) Road. So since they are unlikely to be HIGH LEVEL employees, I can only come to one CONCLUSION.

THEY ARE................

SLACKERS! CHAO KENG! CHEAT COMPANY MONEY!

Thats why they can come back so early. DAMN!

HDB there are not enough LOTS for me leh! YOU HEAR ME OR NOT!

I WANT A CARPARK LOT FOR MY CAR ONLY LAH! NEAR NEAR TO MY LIFT ONE....DUN SO FAR CAN?

2007-08-16T00:42:00.000+08:00

I am an introvert. Have I told you that?

Most people would gasp in disbelief if I would to use that word on myself. How could crappy, lamey Ng Seow Siong be an introvert.

BUT. Its true. In my previous company, I had a professional coach and mentor who meets up with me and we talk. In one of our sessions, we did an intensive personality test and one of the results came out as "INTROVERT". I myself could not believe it then and my coach asked me to just take the results and ponder over it.

And the more I ponder, I find that it is true. Although I am an extrovert, or I seem to be, I was not always like that. I became like that only later in my life. I remember I was a pretty quiet kid who was always mischievious but yes quiet. I do not have alot of friends, I do not play with my cousins, all maybe because I was pretty much rejected as a kid. I was a very fat kid, even till now. My cousins do not want to play with me well because I am fat and clumsy. I do not have many friends well because I am fat and clumsy. When I had my first crush on a girl in primary school, the rejection was not as nice and subtle like when you are an adult (i.e. Oh we better just be friends or Oh I do not wish to be in a relationship right now.). The rejection was an outright, you are so fat and ugly, who will like you?

But thank God I did not wallow in self pity but instead choose to love myself and so allow others to accept and love me too. I do not know when it all started but somewhere along my life, I became the Shaoxiong you see today. I call 'extrovert' my SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR while 'introvert' my INNER SELF.

Even now, I see the 'introvert' in me now and then. Just ask my friends who known me for a long time. I can stay at home by myself for weeks and weeks without going out with them or contacting them. Alot of times, I feel so much happier by myself. Selfish right haha! But well, no choice lah, thats me.

I like doing alot of things by myself. Reading, going to a pub to down a few beers, sitting at a cafe people watching, watching movies etc. Even on a group tour, I would tend to derail from the group and go somewhere else all by myself. I must admit, I have very selfish thoughts because the reason why I like to do things myself is that I do not have to entertain another person. I do not have to consider the other person's feelings or interests or whatever when I make a decision on where to go, what to eat and when to go. What seems like a normal group behaviour irates me alot sometimes. Therefore, my aloneliness sometimes.

Somebody asked me before, won't you feel lonely then? But to quote a line from Bon Jovi's Bed Of Roses "Tonight I won't be alone, but that don't mean I'm not lonely" Similarly, I may be alone, but that don't mean I am lonely.

But to all my friends out there, dun worry lah, i am afterall still a social creature, i still exhibit my EXTROVERT side most of the times but the next time if you see me quiet and maybe cant seem to get me out for anything, just know I am just being MYSELF.

God bless all!

2007-08-15T00:38:00.000+08:00

Just recalled a mini argument cum discussion last Saturday night, watching the Liverpool match and over some wine at Mohd Sultan, on what happened during my poly days and it went onto a discussion what I think about relationship and love vs what Ryan the Botaklops thought. In short he said I am too logical and rational about love and relationships. While of course I think he is too emotional and too led by the heart. He is not wrong but I am also not wrong lah. I think its best if you can balance both logic and emotions in love but thats usually the most difficult part isnt it haha. I guess I have quite a problem there haha. BUT thank God, His love never change. YEAH!

2007-08-14T18:02:00.000+08:00

BEST DUET SONG. EVER.

2007-08-13T01:52:00.000+08:00

"Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2 Peter 1:4

When a shipbuilder builds a ship, he would have build the ship with storms and hurricanes in mind. The ship must be built to withstand the crushing waves and relentless rain that will come onto the ship as it sails into the seas. In fact, if he does not take those into consideration, he is not a good shipbuilder.

Similarly when God promises something, his promises are not just for 'show'. His promises are good for the hardest times and worst trials you could possibly go through. His promises will not just bring you through good times and not so good times. His promises will bring you through all the time. God is the best shipbuilder because he has taken all our trials and test into consideration and we can put our fullest trust into the Divine Shipbuilder.

This is monday and we will all have a good week ahead. Not because only good things will happen to us but because we have a good God with us.

Amen.

2007-08-11T03:06:00.000+08:00

I am almost always happy but I do have my moments too. Today I pondered alot over of a certain event in my life that happen a decade ago while I was in the 3rd year of my poly. Those memories are not pleasant ones and to be honest, that event and those memories shaped a part of me which you see now. I would not deny that this incident made me shun away from certain committments in life. It always pop into my mind now and then and sometimes I thought I had gotten over it or maybe it does not have that big an impact on me and I most probably would not see that person again, but sometimes I just wondered have I really forgotten and more importantly, forgiven, that person and myself. I guess it is something I need to grapple with God and let it come to a conclusion.

On a upbeat note, I went ahead to the dinner appointment supposedly with just PAMELA and MILTON. For the last few days, I just felt it was weird why PAMELA and MILTON would just ask me out for dinner and just the 3 of us. When I reached Blooies in Siglap, I saw not only PAM and MILTON, there was RACHEL and AARON too. (DEX was supposed to come but I guess he was too sexed up), All was revealed then. They wanted to appreciate me for sending them home for the past 2 months or so. PAMELA, although I did not look surprised, I was genuinely touched by this gesture and I thank YOU for arranging this with the rest and the guys and girls, It felt great to be appreciated. Thanks for the warm and fuzzy feeling you left in me hahaha, though I looked tired lah!

It was nice to be appreciated though I think I did not do much. To me, driving people home is a blessing and having a car to drive myself and people home reminds me of how blessed I am by God. Still, I wanna thank these peeps for making my day. There are people or so called friends who demands that I drive them home or bring them around (its true, I have people like that in my life) but you peeps, I just feel blessed to make sure you all reach home safely every time.

BIG THANKS to JESUS and BURPEE PAM, TOYBOY MILTON, EATNOTHING RACH, SEX DEX and our latest nicknamed member - PUSS-AARON!!

Talking about cars, it really reminded me of the blessings that comes from God regarding cars and I dedicate my thanks to God as I think about for the last 4 years that I owned a car.

In 2003, when I finished my degree in marketing and advertising, I expected myself to be like every single struggling graduate and look for a entry level job. After 3 months of searching, through friends and thanks to God, I found a job that pays me way above what a fresh grad would get and thus enabled me to get a first car. BLESSING NUMBER ONE and TWO!

My first car was a KIA. It was a second hand car as I thought it was more prudent since it is my first time owning a car. Unfortunately, I need to put in a deposit which I do not have. Enter my mum and she readily loaned me the money. BLESSING NUMBER THREE! But after that, I was told because of my age, I needed a GUARANTOR who is a non family member who is of a certain age etc or else I would not be given a loan approval. When I was running out of ideas, I talked to PASTOR DANIEL LEE and guess what, he agreed to to my guarantor! BLESSSING NUMBER FOUR!

ONE WEEK ON, I got into my first accident. I knocked into a MPV while turning out from church. I was terrified but thank God, the other family in the car was safe and the driver was a christian and even assured me it is ok and to calm down. All was settled for a minimal sum and all was well. BLESSING NUMBER FIVE.

One year on in 2004, my KIA was getting worse and the need to maintain it every month was eating into my savings and after some calculations, I realised I could trade in my car without making a loss and I decided to go ahead and buy a new car since it makes more sense. I chose a Honda City which is the one I am still driving today. I remember it was 13th Aug 2004. I just returned on that morning from a mission trip to Chiangmai and I was full of excitement as I collected the car. BLESSING NUMBER SIX.

However, in 2 months time, something happened that totally change me. HONDA CITY was a a great car. As a 1.5 litre car, it can outrun quite a number of cars and I enjoy zipping in and out and speeding in the car. I remember it was in October 2004, I was entering the roundabout from KJE that will lead me to BKE (PIE), it was raining and I went in at 90km/hr hoping to overtake the slow lorry in front of me. I overtook the lorry, increase my speed but all of sudden I realise that roundabout was too steep for my speed and I step on my brakes. On stepping my brakes, my car went into a spin. And as the car spin, I saw the lorry I just overtook coming towards me and other cars all just missing me. I thought either I am going to die and seriously injured. What about my car, it is gonna be so damaged. After almost an eternity and many spins, my car came to a halt, just centimetres away from banging into the metal railings. I escape with no injuries, no damage to the surrounding, damages to the car that amounted to $300 and of course a thankful heart to God for being given a 2nd chance to more responsible in my driving. BLESSING NUMBER SEVEN.

So you see, I thank God for the many blessings. That is why I thank God I still have a car today and I am able to drive people home because through the issue of cars, God enabled me to see and count the blessings I have received from him. Every day as I drive, I am reminded of the 2nd chance I am given to be a testimony on the road and so I thank you Jesus, Hallelujah.

Thats it for today folks.

Count your blessings too.

2007-08-09T02:52:00.000+08:00

Friends

This entry is a tribute to friends in my life. I think friends are an extension of God's grace and companionship on earth. While no one can replace God, I think friends make living in this world more bearable and meaningful.

Ever since I joined Sonic Edge again, it has been a refreshing change for me in terms of spiritual feeding and also in fellowship. I am glad to see old friends again and new faces. Old friends who are welcoming and new friends who are nice too. In the past, I guess I did not take alot of effort to know the people in Sonic Edge and I guess I am now taking more time to hang out with the peeps and enjoying the fellowship. Thanks SONIC EDGE PEEPS!

I would like to especially thank the EASTIE PEEPS, namely SEX DEX, TOYBOY MILTON, BURPEE PAM and EATNOTHING RACHEL. I thank you all for being friends and the many times we hang out for supper. For DEX AND MILTON, known you all for so long but never had the chance to know you all better and I guess its not too late to start now. As for PAM and RACHEL, the 2 new girls in my life HAHAHA! I really love your company and thanks for putting up with my crap and I have 2 more GIRL-FRIENDS in my life now...WOOHOO~~~ Just remember I am HBS can already. WHAHAHAHA

I would like to take this time thank a special friend, RYAN LOW HON PUN. Pardon me for using your full name haha. Firstly, wish you a God blessed 30th birthday on 08 Aug 2007.

It has been 17 years since we knew each other in Secondary One in Pasir Ris Secondary School. You have not grown any taller since hahaha. I thank God really for friends like you and Xiaojun, that Sissy of course haha but I am sincere in thanking you for being a friend, a true friend.

Below are things I may not have told you before but this comes from my heart.

I remember when I became a christian. That was back in 29 Jul 1994. You were in the same poly as me in Ngee Ann. Later on when I subsequently shared christianity with you and invited you to church, do you remember you told something like this "Oh I am the devil, I will melt if I go to church." in a half joking manner. At that time, I wonder is it because you do not see Christ in me and I was just being a bad example that you do not see why you should believe in Christ.

When you were diagnosed with cancer, there were many times I cried. I asked God why did He let it happen to you. I did not know what to do except to pray for you. I remember I went to the hospital with you and I remember the doctor telling us that yours is acute lekeumia and there was no specific cause and if without treatment, six months could be all you have.

I admire your courage because if it was me, I could have just broken down there and then. The only thing back then I could help is to bring you whenever I can to bring you for the chemo and radiotherapy. I remember how your bed would be full of blood and how you would so weak and needed help to sit up and just to walk. But yet you do not want to give up. And you know there were people in your shoes who seemed to have recovered but later passed away due to complications but you did not give you. And, see where you are now. You are officially in remission for a long time now and I know God will continue to bless you.

It was also during this period that you came to believe in Christ and grabbing that second chance in life. And I know you struggle with the fact that because of cancer, alot of opportunities were lost but I would like to encourage you, you have actually gain more than alot of us in this world. You gained life. You gained another chance in life.

And I think because of the few little favours I did for you, you never seemed to reject me when I needed help. From helping me to repair computers for free to even lending me money when I was down and out, you always are there for me. You are always patient with me, in fact with most people like Sissy hahaha. I believe its because you think you owe me something or what because I help you that little bit during your cancer period. But I guess I owe you more than you owe me but I know you would tell me, thats what friends are for.

So Ryan aka Hanbin aka Botaklops, I love you as a brother in Christ and as a friend. I know sometimes I can over react especially when times you are late or what. I apologise and I am sorry. You are really a true friend in my life and I would you to know I treasure the friendship of yourself and Sissy. I would regret if I would ever lose you as a friend because I know you are a blessing from God. And to you I want to say, do not look down on yourself and do not judge yourself based on the material things of this world. Seek God first and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

So thank you for being my friend and once again, a happy blessed Birthday.

And to all my friends, though I did not mention everyone here. Every single friend I have makes me who I am today. I treasure your friendships alot. Your friendships accompany me through many lonely nights whahahahaha....that sounded wrong but it is true. I thank God for all my friends and I pray God will bless every single one of you.

Thank you Jesus for my friend, blessed be your name and bless my friends.

And ya, Happy Birthday SINGAPORE.

2007-08-06T13:16:00.001+08:00

HAHA! Too bored and now is lunchtime and too lazy to go out for lunch. This morning have to come for meeting at 930am and considering I slept at 5am...I was pretty zombified in the meeting room but still it was a good one as I ironed out quite a number of issues with the customer and hopefully it will work well for the rest of the year.

AND SO, I did a KNOW MYSELF BETTER test haha....and i will include my inputs to analyse the results. My inputs in BLUE.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties. - Yes I am straight forward and I am down to earth but I do like to dream sometimes haha. I like to solve problems but I wonder how efficient I am lah.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes. - Yes I do fancy smart and determined people. Of course can be serious but not so serious until cannot stand my crap lah. It is not true I do not judge a book by its cover. I still like pretty faces BUT everyone's definition of PRETTY is different and so all I can say, I know what is PRETTY to me and I don't care who others find pretty.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. - TRUE. VERY TRUE. But just a matter of when lah hahahaha

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with? - No i do not behave seductively. In fact, I am prim and proper when it comes to girls. I do not like to touch girls anyhow, even a simple hug or touch on their shoulders or arms or whatever, I am not really comfortable with that unless I know the girl well. I am confident enough to know there are opposite sex who fancies me despite my not so good looks haha but of course its not as if they come in drones! Nay I just need ONE. Need so many for what haha.

Your views on education:

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own. - IT is very TRUE.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy. - This is also VERY TRUE. Although the format I like to work in is never in the corporate world but I still find the corporate setting a very challenging place to be in and as long the job provides me with reasonable pay and plenty of challenges, I will stay in the job.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying. - I am confident yes. But it is no longer important to me and I am not about to stoop to anything to achieve success. If it comes, it comes. God will bless me surely.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear. - THIS IS THE MOST WRONG LAH! I wear clothes whatever I like and of course, being restricted physically, I wear whatever fits me haha. I think all I seek is like I am comfortable how I look and I must at least look covered and decent haha.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. - I find this true too. I like to think I give good advice most times. Despite my crappy self, I am glad alot of my close friends understand who I really am and I appreciate them seeking my advice when they need some, not because it boosts my ego but I appreciate the fact they think that as a friend, I would be able to listen to them or give them some advice or would be able to help them. It makes the friendship more wonderful isnt it hehe.

So there you are! SHAOXIONG in a nutshell. If you think the analysis of myself is wrong. GET LOST LAH!

2007-08-05T02:37:00.000+08:00

Congrats to Sunny and Tammy.

There is always a warm and fuzzy feeling inside me whenever I see people getting married. 2 people who are totally different and who were strangers, knew each other, came together and decide to spend the rest of their life together (ok. Divorce statistics may prove this is not entirely true always haha). To me, marriage is a miracle. It is not easy for 2 different sets of ego and thinkings to come together and work out a compromise that allows both parties to be happy. Therefore, whenever I see a happy marriage or people getting married, I thank God for that because it's not easy.

That coming from me, that sounds weird. Its like hearing a vegan saying how excited he is when he sees someone eating meat. People who knows me for quite a fair bit of time would know I have a committment phobia towards another person especially where the realms of emotions are concerned. Had coffee with some frens after the wedding dinner tonight and everyone there was married except for me and another lady. Naturally, the topic revolves about the wedding and of course, as they would always ask, when is YOUR turn? And my response? Well, some people are suitable for marriage, some are not. I am the latter. At least for now.

Anyway I am young lah! I would only by 30 this December and life has just began. Everyone complains "No time leh!" Then how on earth did you find time for a girlfriend or wife or kids!!? So I say, Enjoy yourself until you are sick and tired of being alone, then get married lah. But having said that, if the government give me many many incentives to get married, I will lah. So government, you all know what to do lah huh.

So till November where another of my fren will bite the dust on the red carpet, I shall carry on with my free free free life.

Feeling warm and fuzzy,

Your neighbourhood Cai Png Man

I love CAI PNG. Anyone sponsor?

2007-08-04T03:43:00.000+08:00

It has been a while.

A year has passed since I joined Philips and I really thank God that I am doing very well over there. I have opportunities there. Plenty. I am moving next year to another division and that is a good move for me in terms of my career.

And to be honest, my life seems pretty good now. Not fantastic, but good. I have a good job, a good boss, good colleagues, attending another church, joining Sonic Edge Cell again after a long time, knowing good people. But somehow I just don;t want a GOOD life. I want to have a life that makes a difference.

Like I always said, I no longer see the importance of climbing the corporate ladder, I no longer see the importance of earning as much as I can, I do not even see the importance to outshine another person at work.

I am frustrated. I am a happy person but many times, I am frustrated. I want to leave Singapore just for a few years and see the world. I mean I have travelled but I really want to SEE the world. I want to experience another culture. I want to see how I fit into the scheme of things in this big world that God created. And I guess I just have to pray. I am praying that my job can take me places, again not for the money, but to see places and the people whom I never had the chance to see before.

My good friend, *TTG*, has submitted his resignation on Monday and he really handled very badly and to be serious, my boss was very disappointed not by him leaving but by how he is leaving. I shall not say more but *TTG*, you know how I feel about this whole issue and I guess there is one thing I have said to you only once when we barely knew each other but I now want to say to you again. God still loves you. He still does and always will.

On a brighter note, going back to Sonic Edge has really make my past 2 months very fruitful. I love the peeps there and seriously Sonic Edge has always been in my heart since I was with them in 1999. I got back into the cell and SE has changed alot. For the better and I know SE will have to move on and see itself not just as a platform for musicians to come together but as a ministry to minister to people regardless of interest, culture or maturity. I want to be part of the movement that will change my life and through my life, change the lives of others.

The peeps there I meet are great...the old frens like Dex, Milton, Gordon, Chris, Marcus, John Chiong, Jon Chan, Liana, Jon Hems, Zhen Fang.....and of cos new faces like Pamela, Rachel, Shawn, Kevin and people like Lyndon whom is a great fren and bandmate and many many many many others

I love you all lah. You all love me or not. Anyway

~~SOMEONE~~ PAMELA ask me to update blog lah...so I DEDICATE THIS ENTRY to that ~~SOMEONE~~ PAMELA lah....

To that ~~SOMEONE~~ PAMELA, you are a very bubbly person and very nice to talk to and crap with and I know you will agree I am a cute young boy. I thank you in advance.

Alright, peeps, I will update again in time to come when I feel like it lah huh....if you not happy, call police.

OK!

God bless you all lah!

2007-02-03T02:10:00.000+08:00

I am reminded of an old song.

"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide. Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day. He will make a way. He will make a way."

It has been 6 months working at Philips and my debt situation is more or less cleared up. Still some left to pay up but at least I am on schedule and I make my first savings in November. However, with more finances loosened up, I see myself again falling into the trap of not managing my finances. But putting that aside, I find myself in another danger of putting finances into a top priority.

Friends have been discussing about the size of bank accounts and I have a non existent one. Sometimes, honestly, I wish I can kena TOTO or maybe a distant uncle that I never knew of passed away in Canada and leave me all of his multi billion legacy.

But is that how God wants me to think and feel. I should wise up and realise that finances are important but no longer critical to me. When I was in debt, God taught me so many lessons on finances and even blessed me with my current job. But yet I failed and my only excuse is I am human after all.

Thus the song. I really trust God for my future and my life. God will not leave me to die. He knows my needs and He will always make a way for me for as long as I abide in Him.

Thank you Jesus. You are the best 'financial' backup I can ever have and I trust in you.

2006-10-05T20:22:00.000+08:00

Easy Come, Easy Go

Territorial Pissings - By Nirvana

"Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now..."


When I was an alien, cultures weren't opinions


Gotta find a way to find a way when I'm there 
Gotta find a way - a better way -
I had better wait

Never met a wise man, if so it's a woman

"Just because you're paranoid
Don't mean they're not after you."

One of the very few songs that really talked about how I feel about this society in general. Terratorial Pissings to be is taking a piss at people who sets territories amongst themselves. In church, In school, at work, at home and in society, there are alot of people who instead of "Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now..." but they treat everyone who do not belong to their territories as aliens.

"When I was an alien, cultures weren't opinions" - this is the saddest line of the song I feel that when you may not be agree to a culture adopted by a place, a church, a school or society, that culture is no longer just opinions or a way of living, it is THE WAY of living or else you are out. Alienated.

I condemn that but it happens. It will always happen.

If you piss on me, you better not stop cos if you do, i gonna make you piss in your pants.

2006-09-18T01:54:00.000+08:00

Varicose Veins - Varicose veins are twisted, enlarged veins near the surface of the skin. They most commonly develop in the legs and ankles.

Well one of my varicose veins on my legs burst twice in the last week. Both times, thank God I was at home and in the bathroom. The bathroom was full of blood and looked like a scene from THE PSYCHO. Both times, the paramedics were called in but only the second time was bad enough to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. To cut it short, I have an appointment to see a vascular surgeon to decide on treatment cos the veins could burst anytime and as much as I like seeing fountains, i dun really fancy seeing one from my legs.

One of my friends, Jem Gan, will be leaving for UK in slightly more than a week to go. He will be there for 4-5 years. Jem, I hope that when you are there, you truly will discover more of God and more of yourself. I never told you this but I felt that somehow you felt a bit stifled in Singapore and maybe leaving Singapore for a period of time is best for you. Do not get lost in the 'world' but do come back when you are done with your studies and I am looking forward to hear what you will learn over there.

And with Jem's impending departure to the UK, it also brought about thoughts of my own future. What do I want to do with it? When I said I felt Jem was stifled, it could not be more true for myself. I felt so squeezed. I felt that there is so much more I want to do but could not. As I said before, I believed these are all excuses. God, teach me how. And teach me now.

Life is like a coin. You can spend it anyhow but you can only spend it once.

2006-09-11T19:42:00.000+08:00

Random.

Thats how one of my frens described me. He says he will never know what things I will say, what jokes I will crack and how my mood will swing and how my attitude will be. And I like that. Maybe this is how I wanna live my life. To be random and unpredictable. A colleague told me she is a creature of habit. And her habit is routine. All of us are creatures of habits. My habit is to live life unpredictably. Live like you gonna die tomorrow and you will make sure u are happy today.

The past weekend has been crazy. I was the OIC for my department's Carnival Sales. Being less than 2 months in the company, it was crazy having to coordinate a sales for 70 products. This means a logistics nightmare and also process tragedy. Being new and having people like Senior Managers and even the GM looking to you to give directions and instructions to move things is a pressure. I was at the site of the sales at 7am every morning and was not home till 9pm at nite. Standing on my feet for that long a period was not a joke and with all the stress of running around and making sure things were smooth, I got a very bad headache the very first day. The 2nd day was better and all in, we did pretty well with $50,000 worth of sales over 2 days. Our stretch target was $100,000. But well, this is the first time we are doing it as a company, so we have to start somewhere rite.

In the morning of Saturday, I was driving and I told God confidently, I wanna have a good day hit $100, 000! 4 hours into the sales, things look good. Business was overwhelming and we were running out of stock on certain items and we were shorthanded. Thus, when I went upstairs to the cashiers who were calculating the sales for the first half of the day, i was expecting a huge figure. To my disappointment, the sales was only $11,000! I was like in my heart, what! All the sweat and hard work by my colleagues yielded only $11,000??? For the rest of the day, I was simply very discouraged....my manager and even my GM came over to console me and encouraged me that it was good enough I took up the challenge to organise it since I am new and it was the first time...but I was close too inconsolation.

However, when I was driving home after the first day, I was still very affected when God reminded me of the very simple song "This is the day, This is the day, that the Lord has made. I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it." I then realised when I made the prayer in the morning, I attached my joy for the day to hitting $100,000 in sales instead of rejoicing simply because God made the day. With that realisation, I thank God for the day and for making me realise that if we were to attach our joy to things of the world, we will never be truly happy. We will always want more. More of the wrong things.

I am very tired. Sick. Wanna take MC but still went to work today. Have a lot of things to clear. Less than 2 months but I have to run very fast with the company. The financial situation has not exactly cleared up but it is clearing. I thank God for that and I believe in His time, when I cleared my debts, I will not forget the lessons He taught me so precious about my finances.

Thank you Jesus. When I am far, You draw near.

2006-09-01T02:28:00.000+08:00

very tired....just came back from coffee with frens...230am now....wanna sleep soon...

Had a run in with a Senior Manager in the office but my conscience is clear, I focus on being objective while he tries to run me down because I am new, just one month into the job. Sorry I do not yield to power. Cliche as it may sound, respect is earned, not given. I hope people will see that when a job needs to be done, it can done with more help. Everyone has family committments so I dun think that is a reason not to deliver on the committments you laid down. If you never intended to do it, then dun agree to it anyway. You can say that everyone will say YES in front of the boss. It may be true that people will be a YES MAN in front of the boss but you trying to yield pressure on me to exclude your staff just shows that YOU ARE A YES MAN and a HYPOCRITE. At least the rest who are YES MEN, still will do what they agreed on.

2006-08-31T02:28:00.000+08:00

Is there more to life?

3 months of inactivity on my blog....surely, nobody reads my blog now. But I guess thats good for me right now. I have got a very good job now in Philips as an Account Manager but the nagging thought in my mind is always "Is there more?" Not in terms of money but in terms of purpose.

I seem to know what I want but does not seem to be doing what I need to. I see more and more people not knowing what they want and sometimes become miserable. They blame it on lack of money, lack of opportunities or lack of time. But isnt the root cause a lack of passion and direction? A lack of conviction that leads to a mediocre life?

Sometimes I feel shortchanged. I wanna do many things but I put the blame on the fact that I have parents to look after, I have a car to pay for, I am Asian and etc..... but coming back to it all, isnt again the root cause, a lack of courage and passion? Courage to move into things that are unknown.

I want to move on from Charis because I do not feel that it can give me anymore. Been there for coming to 9 years now and if I am not sad about making a decision to leave, I would be not be human. I made many friends there over the last decade or so but isnt it ironic that my 2 best friends whom I can confide in are not from Charis? To be truthful, I have not had someone in Charis whom I can call an accountability partner, a close friend and confidante. Friends yes, church mates yes. Close, no. It has even come to a point where I am put off by some of them. I am not judging them but there is a thin line between judging and believing what you see. They are different. Too different from me. I cannot accept the way they choose to live, I cannot accept the way they talk and I cannot accept they things they do socially. Maybe I just cannot accept them. Neither are many people able to accept me. I do not care. God accepts me and I will be the way I am and I will leave. Deep down in my heart, I tell myself maybe I will stay on afterall. But I know if I stay on, it is because I am comfortable where I am, familiar with the people and place. Not for God and not for myself. Therefore I will leave. I do not know where. I will take my time to find another church but surely God bless me and help me not to procastinate. 9 years on but sorry, Charis, you have nothing to offer me, you cannot build me and therefore I have no more confidence that you are the best place to develop me. In a way, I wanna say that you disappoint me and I am really hurt. Really hurt about some things that had been said and done. When I was young, I will retaliate. But I am 29 now and I will let go. Some things are better left untouched and unsaid.

People will say Hey keep in touch but they never will. And that is how Charis is. And I am looking forward to a new chapter in my church life.

I had to go.

2006-05-17T04:06:00.000+08:00

SUSPICIOUS
CHURCH WINDOW

I find this extremely funny...hope it offends no one...hahahahaha

2006-05-14T02:07:00.000+08:00

FA CUP 2006 WINNERS -
LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB

ANOTHER EMOTIONAL NIGHT FOR LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB....I SIMPLY LOVE THIS CLUB

Coming from 2-0 down, Cisse scored a wonderful goal to pull it back 2-1 before half time. And when Gerrad blasted the ball into the net in the 2nd half, the whole place ERUPTED!!!! We were ecstatic and memories of Istanbul 2005 came flooding back. We were confident we could do it again and win the FA CUP this time round. However, my heart was broken in the 66th minute when Konchesky scored a fluke goal and West Ham was in front 3-2. The scoreline remained this way and I thought that this match was surely gone....the 4th official put up the time board and says 4 minute of stoppage time...it was already into the91st minute...is there a miracle....

YES THERE IS!!! The miracle came when Gabbidon headed clear the ball but Gerrad (again) came onto the ball and scored a screamer from 30 yards....you should see the crowd at the courtyard screaming in joy and in my ecstacy, i hugged people whom i did not know hahahaha.....

Extra time came and Reina had to produce a world class save at the last minute to deny West Ham a win.

Down to penalties....Hamman scored the first and when Reina saved the next penalty Zamora...we were so full of hope but alas Hypia missed the next kick.....we scored the subsequent 2 kicks and Konchesky missed too. At the penalty score at 3-1, West Ham's Ferninand needed to score his penalty to keep West Ham in the game....but REINA SAVED!!!!!

AND THE FA CUP GOES BACK TO ANFIELD FOR 2006!

Kudos to WEST HAM who really really played a good game in the good spirit of FA CUP. Who says the FA CUP ROMANCE is gone!

Thanks LIVERPOOL for another wonderful memory in my life.

2006-05-11T21:01:00.000+08:00

TIRED....VERY TIRED....I AM REALLY VERY TIRED...HOW LONG MORE?

I am not going to the Worship Alive Training in Church tomorrow. Seriously, call me cynical, but it aint gonna help if the Church do not shift their paradigm, if the people in Church do not change. What is a training gonna do?

Crap I say. Crap.

2006-05-04T22:53:00.000+08:00

WOOO BOOOO JOOOO KUUUUUU LLLLAAAAAA HIIIIIIII BIIIIIIIII

This is what I have been hearing the past few days. The elections rally on the dodgy looking lorries and with loudhailers that are on Eveready batteries (hence the lack of power)....what the hell they expect us to hear when everything comes out to us as a blur? But nevermind lah...let them have their fun...they do it only once every few years or else these old people got nothing to do will just waste away.

I already know who to vote for. But I cannot say because they say VOTING IS SECRET ONE LAH! How secret I don't know lah! Everyone got secrets lah. So now I got one more secret to keep for the rest of my life. SIAN.

Band jamming was great these past weeks...we have 5 great songs...wanting to write more but we should have 5 ready at least for the June 10-11 gigs.... Hope our frens can come support us.

The thing about my situation now is that I can simply apply for any job that pays a consistent salary...but i refuse to jump into a job because I need money. If I really only wanted money, I would not have left my previous job...damn the money was good then. But thru these past 3 months...I have realised God taught me so much about how we should perceive worldly wealth i.e. MONEY AND FAME AND AMBITIONS. Not that these are no good...but more likely than not, we are always running to achieve all these. But what are we running for? Are we running towards God or away from God? I realised I was running away from God the more I pursue my ambitions and money. I only want enough money and not more than what I need. It seems rather bizzare but the lesser I earn nowadays, the happier I am. People will say i am stupid and foolish, impractical and medicorce. I want to achieve alot of things. But not for my ambitions, promotions and fame and wealth. But for the Kingdom of God. That is most important to me. And that will make me happy.

Wholly devoted
I immerse myself in You
Baptize me in Your love
Cause drowning in the thought of You
Floods my soul
I'm taken by the things You do
God, You know
It doesn't matter what I lose
I'm Yours

Excerpts from the song "CONSUME ME" by DC TALK

2006-04-20T14:51:00.000+08:00

On Good Friday which is last Friday, we had a scare. I was watching TV late around 1am when my dad came out of the room and wanted to go toilet. He told me he is feeling feverish and I became very worried. For those who did not know, my dad has been diagnosed with a rare and incurable condition called Primary Sclerosis Cholangitis since March last year. Symptoms like fevers could mean deterioation of the condition. So there I was wanting to take him to hospital immediately (that was what the doctors advised). So he went into the toilet and change. While he was in the toilet, I heard him making noises and I went in immediately...he was holding onto the sink and he was just shivering and suddenly he just collapsed. But thank God I was there to hold on to him, I would not want to imagine what would happen if he fell. At his age, a fall could result in many things. I was praying in my heart, God please let my dad be ok...and amazingly he sat down, had 2 panadols and he felt better. Thank God for that.

Anyway the very next day, I was about to go out and my Mum called me to say my Dad is shivering again and having very bad fever. I went to his shop immediately and brought him to the doctor and to my relief, the diagnosis was that of Urinary Tract Inflammation which could be cured with antibiotics.

I was very relieved but it also brought alot of things to mind. Whether I should go back into a salaried job. Right now, my parents do not depend on me but I hate to imagine what would happen if my dad collapses. I am in a dilemma. Right now, I am looking for a full time job that will again give me a decent salary but I pray that God will bless me with a job that will give me time too. Through these 2 months of scrimping, I realise the importance of relying on God. It is my prayer that when I do go back to a job which pays a monthly salary that I will not lose my dependence on God. Pray for me and with me.

2006-04-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is medium.
In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.
But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!
There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.

The Five Variable Love Test

2006-04-08T02:22:00.000+08:00

Is there a better song than this? To me. No.

Smells Like Teen Spirit
By Nirvana
BestVideoCodes.com

Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, how low (x3)
Hello, hello, hello!

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido
Yay! (x3)

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

Hello, hello, hello, how low (x3)
Hello, hello, hello!

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My Libido
Yay! (x3)

And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, how low (x3)
Hello, hello, hello!

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto
An albino
A mosquito
My libido

A denial !! (x9)

2006-04-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

SPLINTERED THEORY

yeah thats the name of my new band. Those who knew of my first band,GAS, we are still around but dormant. We are not really jamming and not seeking gigs the rest are really busy. But we are looking forward to put down a recording which we have procastinated about since last year. I hope we will get it done, really...I love these guys, we have been together for 7 years, especially Joe and Josh... the good old times when we were just jamming and jamming....and Gerald and Liwei, who joined us so much later...young but talented...i hope you all will expand your talents for God, even if it is not with GAS.

Anyway, with my new band, we have been jamming consistently every week for the last 2 months. We have got a gig lined up in June most probably on the 8th and 9th. We are playing 2 slots. That will be the band's first gig. But all the guys have played in various bands before so I dun think stage fright should get to us. Nevertheless, I believe we will still be nervous hehehe.... These bunch of guys have been great. The band dynamics is starting come in as we jam for new ideas on original songs. We have got a few great originals laid down and are looking to do more.

LOOK OUT FOR SPLINTERED THEORY.

GOD bless us all.

2006-04-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

Submitting to God is a daily thing

I discover this for a fact with my current situation. For those who read earlier entries and whom I have talked to would know what I am talking about.

Last night was out with a few friends at Shaw House Macs after the band jamming. We begin talking about my passion for music. One of my friends feel that we should separate our passion and dreams from reality. While I am a firm believer of having enough to live by while living your dreams. I mean, sure, there are some who are living their dreams and and are rich. But if we have a choice, should not we, while we are young, pursue your dreams and passion. Alot of people say that this is not possible in PRACTICAL SINGAPORE. I say "EXCUSES!!" Nobody can dictate what is practical and what is not EXCEPT yourself. If you think only by earning $5000 a month is practical, that will be it. Seriously, how much do you need in Singapore to survive? $2000? $1000? Its how you make of it, isnt it? Nobody is asking you to beg or eat bread for the rest of your life. But if we are honest with ourselves, we would agree we do not really need as much as we think we do to survive in Singapore.

And here we go blaming the society for what WE CHOOSE to be and do. If you choose to earn lesser and pursue your dreams, would not that be the best of both worlds? It takes a paradigm shift. The real fool is the one who goes after what he cannot keep. You go be rich. I go chase my dreams. I get to keep the memories. What do you keep? At the end when we die, maybe all you have is a bigger pile of ash than mine.

Anyway wanna share an old song that ministered to me. God bless us all.

"There is a longing only You can fill

A raging tempest only You can still

My soul is thirsty Lord

To know You as I'm known

Drink from the river

That flows before Your throne

Take me deeper

Deeper in love with You

Jesus hold me close in Your embrace

Take me deeper

Deeper than I've ever been before

I just want to love You more and more

How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise

I will seek Your face

Drawn by the Spirit

To the promise of Your grace

My heart has found in You

A hope that will abide

Here in Your presence

Forever satisfied"

2006-04-01T22:15:00.000+08:00

The Legendary APRIL FOOL Post

As long as there were APRIL FOOL, there have been songs about it. Today I have written a song of APRIL FOOL. It goes like this

SANG TO THE TUNE OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

Happy April Fool To You~~~~

Happy April Fool To You~~~~

If You Are Really Singing This Song~~

You Are Such A Bloody Fool~~~~

2006-03-31T00:36:00.000+08:00

Haiz....

God forgive me...

Finances still get to me sometimes. Here I am lying down on my bed and the thought of paying off some bills came into my mind...and I wonder where do I get the money from. Its not like these things are new to me. I have been struggling with this for the last 2 months and as I said before, I trust in God's providence.

But still, I am human. I wander off.

I really like to head up and look forward to the day where I can put critics who say "Who ask you lah, quit your job." or "Its your own fault lah that you are struggling with finances" to shame, Not for my own pride but for your glory and honour.

I love you Lord.

2006-03-26T17:00:00.000+08:00

WHAT ON EARTH WAS STEVEN GERRAD THINKING OF?

I cannot believe how he was sent off in last nite's liverpool vs everton derby match. After just 18 minutes, he was red carded. I mean he should really reflect on his actions and know that he could have cost LIVERPOOL a vital win. Sure, it was the derby but to go in 2 footed a minute after you were yellow carded is hardly a mark of a great leader. Having said that, Gerrad is still a great player but needs to rein in that kind of in the heat of the moment thingy.

For the record, LIVERPOOL won 3-1. FOUR STRAIGHT WINS. 18 GOALS in 4 MATCHES. Are we good or what.

Went to church this morning, sang for Priscilla's worship, not very satisfied with my singing this time round cos I think the keys are too low for me. But still all glory goes to God, it is not about me, it is about GOD.

After that went for lunch with Serene, Terence(her BF) and Celia, Serene's friend. Cannot believe how much a slim and pretty girl like CELIA can EAT SO MUCH and she EATS stuff like PORK KNUCKLES, FATS AND ALL.......she just wun grow fat i think...lucky her haha. We crack jokes about many things which I forgot what. Haha.

Now back at home. Some of the nightlifers wanted to go Essential Brew tonite. I want to go but I have my $5 policy to upkeep for the sake of my own financial status. I missed going out with them but I guess I have to be sensible in such times.

Take care peeps. I love you all. Please love me too kekekeke

Ciaoz.

God bless.

2006-03-25T18:03:00.000+08:00

Went into JB this morning with Joe and GF, Pris, Chris and GF, Jol. We went spent quite some time at the workshop doing up Chris's gear boot. In the end, it was not done and can see Chris was pretty pissed off with the workshop peeps. But well we went for a good lunch of Bak Kut Teh, Sesame Chicken and Salted Veggies haha. NICE NICE NICE...just like me... NICE NICE NICE.

Reached home around 5pm and gonna stay home until 7 plus and send my mum to my auntie's house at CCK and then rush back to watch LIVERPOOL THRASHED EVERTON at 830pm.

As usual, I will stay home today again. Maybe meeting the same guys mentioned above for kopi after the match.

Tiring.

Tomorrow's worship...I realised I dun have a white shirt...I do not have one but it looks like a school uniform...see how tomorrow hahaha.

2006-03-24T18:48:00.000+08:00

TIRED.

Physically.

Is it all worth it?

Yes it is.

Today went to house viewing with an American couple. Nice peeps. Hope I can close this deal.

Sleep.

Not enough.

For Everything Else.

There is always MuscleButt.

2006-03-22T19:51:00.000+08:00

I have been wondering for the last one month whether I made the right choice in my new job. I am sure that God wants me to leave my previous job but maybe this new job is not what is planned for me? I am seriously struggling financially. This is something I have not faced for the last 3 years. I had not saved ANYTHING from what I earned for the past 3 years. YES. NOTHING.

But yet, I feel a certain sense of serenity in me. Its like God telling me to trust in Him and not to worry. Some would think this is escapism but I think it is putting your hope in the right places and person. This is a difficult time for me. I thank God that I have Him with me because throughout this whole period of me deciding to quit my job and moving on despite knowing that financial difficulties might set in, I have always felt this peace that things would move on fine. So I guess its time to keep trusting God and also do my part in spending lesser, which means lesser expensive outings to clubs and pubs and restaurants.

God, I thank you because You PROVIDE. ALWAYS.

WORK: I am still feeling my way around. I have pretty nice colleagues. It helps that you do not see them everyday, thus lesser friction. I have closed 2 deals. Not much commission, but every single cent, I thank God for it. I guess this is a way of teaching me to live within my means and be contented.

Some asked me whether is it truly worth it to leave my previous company which is paying well to jump into the unknown especially at my age?

My answer: it is. WHY? Because I am happier.

God bless all of us and trust in Him always.

2006-03-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

I have started blogging again after a 2 years break. Weird why I felt compelled to blog again. Maybe I am tired. Maybe because I changed my job. Maybe because my life is changing. It is time to rest in God. It is time to really rest and not just run.

I really wonder about the issue of death. Not that I am looking forward to it. But I just think that people give death too little time and thoughts. As the changes in my life take place, I really wonder sometimes whether it is a beginning of the end. I know I will end well. I hope.

God help me.

You are my ONLY Hope.